Wednesday, August 01, 2007

New show on Discovery

If you haven't been reading Ambulance Driver, you should start.
[Ambulance Driver speaking in a stage whisper, crouched in front of a parked ambulance in a Town Near You]

"G'day mates, and welcome to Dumbass Huntah! Oim your host, Ambo Droivah, and t'day we're goin' aftah one of the most dangerous species of dumbass on the planet, Phencyclosaurus methamphetamii, otherwoise known by natives as Angel Dustah! Let's go!"

[cut to the interior of an ambulance, cruising slowly through the Hood, Ambulance Driver enthusiastically narrating from the front passenger seat]

"We're now enterin' the ghetto, proime habitat for Angel Dustah! Afta dahk, these pahts are choc a block full of Homo sapiens addictus and their close cousins, Homo sapiens rockslingah. Now normally, Dustahs are oidentical in appearance to the dominant addictus, and some biologists believe them to be the same species. But late at noight, once they pahtake of their fav'rite treat, PCP and crystal meth, the relatively hahmless addictus can morph into a ragin', bloody aggro Phencyclosaurus!

[camera pans slowly from right to left, revealing sullen young men glaring suspiciously at the passing ambulance, some of them flashing gang signs, when suddenly a nude blur flashes across the screen]

"Now you'll notice most of these blokes wearin' gold chains and joolry, which the natives call bling. Apparently, this helps attract the females of the species and - 'ello, what's this?"

[cut to a closeup of Ambulance Driver, excitedly pointing out the window]

"It's a Phencyclosaurus, right across the road!"

[cut to jerky, unsteady shot of a naked man running through a vacant lot, Ambulance Driver and two EMTs in hot pursuit]

"Now you'll notice that Angel Dustah is roight down to 'is birthday suit! That's because when he morphs from addictus, it causes 'im to molt straight away, and this one has already shed his duds!

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