Saturday, April 02, 2005

...Only the Good Die Young...

"[Mitch] Hedberg was once dubbed "the next Seinfeld" by Time magazine", and now he is gone. (source)
The Man and I were going to buy tickets for Mitch Hedberg's next show in Northern Jersey when we got back from vacation. Before we left we were trying to figure out how we could stop in Baltimore on the way home to catch his show on the 3rd. He was in the league of the Eddies...Izzard and Murphy. JustRose called the OBX house last night to tell us the news... It's thought that his death was brought on by a heroin overdose, but his mother says that is only conjecture as he was born with a heart defect. (source) In this week of 'high profile deaths' or impending deaths will anyone even mention Hedberg...who lived to make people laugh? Millions of smiles and laughs, what a great legacy...

Here are some of my favorite Hedberg quotes (much funnier in his voice with his affectations):

"I'm against picketing, but I don't know how to show it."

"I think pickles are cucumbers that sold out. They sold their soul to the devil, and the devil is dill..."

"...and then at the end of the letter I like to write "P.S. - this is what part of the alphabet would look like if Q and R were eliminated."

"I have a cheese-shredder at home, which is its positive name. They don't call it by its negative name, which is sponge-ruiner. Because I wanted to clean it, and now I have little bits of sponge that would melt easily over tortilla chips..." (Listen)

"If you had a friend who was a tightrope walker, and you were walking down a sidewalk, and he fell, that would be completely unacceptable..."

"A severed foot is the ultimate stocking stuffer."

"An escalator can never break. It can only become stairs. You would never see an "Escalator Temporarily Out Of Order" sign, just "Escalator Temporarily Stairs. Sorry for the convenience."

"My friend said to me, "You know what I like? Mashed potatoes." I was like, "Dude, you have to give me time to guess. If you're going to quiz me you have to insert a pause."

"Alcoholism is a disease, but it's the only one you can get yelled at for having. Goddamn it Otto, you are an alcoholic. Goddamn it Otto, you have Lupus... one of those two doesn't sound right."

"This shirt is dry clean only. Which means... It's dirty."

"I bought a doughnut and they gave me a receipt for the doughnut... I don't need a receipt for the doughnut. I give you money and you give me the doughnut, end of transaction. We don't need to bring ink and paper into this. I can't imagine a scenario that I would have to prove that I bought a doughnut. To some skeptical friend, Don't even act like I didn't buy a doughnut, I've got the documentation right here... It's in my file at home. ...Under 'D'." "If I made potato chips and put them in a can, people would say I was ripping off Pringles...But what if I put them in a bag?" (Listen)

Great Hedberg page that has tons of quotes...

Damn...we were really looking forward to seeing him...
Kinison, Candy, Dangerfield, Farley, Belushi (how could I forget him)...and now Hedberg...

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