Taking a Shower in Iraq
"While I undress, I wonder if the shower will miraculously be warm. I nod my head in doubt as I put on my black pt shorts and my grey pt shirt. Both the shirt and the shorts have ARMY printed on them in some kind of reflective print, put there in case I ever forget which branch of the military I serve in. Remembering that I am indeed in the Army, and that I signed up three years ago to this day, I sit down on my mattress that is covered in a floral design.
What is it with this place and their mattresses? Are those flowers supposed to make me happy? Maybe they are an act of deception, designed to conceal the fact that hidden underneath their pretty petals lies a year or more worth of sweat, dirt, and filth. Why does my mattress feel as though it has to mock me? I’m well aware of the fact that it’s not clean, so quit bull shitting me with the flowers for Allah’s sake. Why can’t they put smiley faces on them? I could think of a hundred other designs that I would rather have on my mattress. How about little army men, or different models of airplanes. How about pictures of terrorists or maybe Michael Moore’s fat ass. I could role out of bed in the morning, look down, and become so thoroughly pissed off that I become wide awake with rage, bounding from my bed ready to attack the day ahead.
What about scantily clad women, looking up at me with a suggestive smile. Forget the women. I have more fun dreaming of my wife. Pictures of my wife would be nice, but I wouldn’t want her beautiful face adorning something so ugly. Cars, boats, trains, buses. Kites, balloons, lollipops, or rainbows. On second thought, the rainbows might not work. People might think I’m gay, and then accuse me of violating the don’t ask, don’t tell policy that Clinton, no doubt while receiving a blowjob from that fat chick, started during his time in office. How about pictures of all the presidents or pictures of all the planets. Maybe guns, tanks, bombs, bullets, and grenades would be more appropriate. How about pages of a dictionary or a classical book. How about chapters out of the Bible printed on my mattress. That would be good, since I need to read my Bible more anyway. Dolphins would be good too. I like dolphins, they always seem to be smiling about something. Maybe their laughing at the fact that I have to sleep on a damn floral mattress. It’s like someone had diarrhea and went around shitting flowers everywhere. It would have been nice if they had made it to the disgusting port-a-johns we have to use and shit a few flowers in there. Thankfully I have a poncho liner to cover my mattress. It’s camouflage too, which will come in handy if I ever need to conceal myself from the flower shitting bandit."
~Michael, Army Infantry (Currently in Iraq) -Read the rest of this post...
Michael's Milblog: A Day in Iraq